Take a deep breath

Relationships. Love. Romance. Etc.

I've been toying with this issue a lot lately, and now I've found something relevant in the blog of a woman I really admire and respect. Her name is Jen Abbas, and she wrote a (Christian, biblically-based) book called "Gen-Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain," which I read and loved, and gave to my mom to read, who gave it to my stepdad to read, too. It's a great insight into what having your parents divorce when you are a kid does to your relationship-forming abilities when you grow up. I have a lot to learn.

I go back and forth, between wanting to be bold and advenurous with relationships, to acknowledging that, deep down, I'm just terrified and lonely. Anyway, I was reading Jen's blog and came across something very interesting...

She says:
"There is a pervasive idea, especially in Christian circles, that marriage is something that just "happens," when the time is right. I'm not saying we should be obnoxious about dating or obsessive about our desires to be married, but we need to be active, even proactive (especially guys), at times. We don't tell the person who wants a job to sit on their duff and expect God to drop a job in their lap. We tell them to go to college, to get an internship, to network, to send out resumes, to make follow-up calls, go on interviews, send thank you notes. We don't tell the person wanting to dig out of debt to just keep doing what they're doing and wish and pray their way to debt-free living. No, we challenge them to cut back on expenses, make wise buying decisions, look for additional revenue, share expenses (like housing) with others. But when a single says he or she wants to get married, well-meaning folks say things like, "When you stop looking, it'll happen!" What?!? The sad thing is, I bought this lie hook, line and sinker. I barely gave marriage a thought before thirty. If anyone asked me why I was single (and you know they did), I said it was because God hadn't brought the right guy to me, or that I was focusing on my career, or that I was focused on other things. But I didn't take responsibility for the fact that I wasn't expanding my social circle, I wasn't letting people know what kind of guy I'd like to meet. I wasn't dating! Once I hit 30, I had a bit of startling revelation. Relationships don't just happen. That's also the age when friendships start changing to align more by stage of life than age of life. If I can make my career, my writing, my finances, and my faith a priority, I can certainly make relationships a priority, and I shouldn't be ashamed to do that. I had to take responsibility for the things I was doing--or not doing--to prevent me from meeting guys I would likely like."

I bought that lie, too. I know that I don't want to swing completely to the other side of the specturm and obsessively pursue a guy until he just dates me so I'll stop bugging him or anything! I know that God's timing is perfect, and I need to wait on it. But I'm not going to just sit around and wait for him to throw a guy in front of me. I don't expect to be Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc. I can be active, try to converse, maybe even be brave about how I feel about some guys. Part of this includes taking my crushes less seriously, because of course I'm going to be attracted to multiple guys. That doesn't mean I need to be destroyed if they don't like me back. But does that mean I need to go around being all honest and open and blathering on about my feelings to anyone who will listen? NO! That's silly. I'm just going to try to spend more time in friendly situation with guys whom I respect, admire, and want to talk to more. Is there anything wrong with that?

So, deep breath, I'm going to start talking. Smiling. Being nice instead of shy and worrisome.

Ha ha, easier said than done, eh?

-Cara