Application: DENIED!
"We might fall, we might fall, we might fall. Now that we are older, I remember you, now that we are close to death, close to finding truth." Ryan Star
I think I grew up a little bit, almost without noticing. But how could I expect to do so much praying without any returns?
You see, I've been recently rejected hardcore by a very wonderful man. And do you know what? I am competely fine. I believe I actually prayed enough about this, and chose my steps so carefully according to what I truly believed was God's will, that I've ended up quite happy even though he said "no thanks." So praise the Lord for that--a year ago, or even six months ago, I would have been crushed in a very dramatic manner. I would have pouted and cried and lost much sleep and in general been a disastrous mess. But I'm actually happy! I waited so long for his answer (an absurd six weeks and 2 days), praying madly and reading a lot more scripture than usual, and thinking of almost nothing else, and now I feel a fantastic release! Ha, I actually don't have to worry about this anymore! I'm FREE!!!
Wow, what a feeling. I don't have to plan my life around a relationship! I don't have to think, okay, where is he going to go to med school, is there a good grad school for me in the area, blah blah blah. I don't have to WAIT anymore! I'm FREE! And I'm not even too worried that this is an indication that no man will ever be interested in me, which would have been my sustained reaction normally (there was a brief moment... but it passed, hallelujah). Good heavens, have I actually grown from this experience?!?! I'm actually not worried about finding the man I'm going to marry! I finally feel like I'm doing my part--praying, chasing God, loving my family and friends, and God can do whatever the heck he wants with romance in my life. Sure, if He asked for my opinion I'd say throw a guy my way this instant, but what do I know? I clearly was wrong about Awesome Guy, so perhaps it's not my job to decide when I'm ready. I think I'm more ready now than I ever was before, but who knows? Not me!
And in the meantime, I'm looking for a job and trying to figure out how I can rent motorcycles to travel through Baja Mexico, roadtrip through Canada to Alaska, work in a Guatemalan medical clinic, visit my aunt and uncle in California, have nasal surgery, and still pay off my loans. Oh, and biking in Utah.
I wish I only felt the urge to write when something really profound and theologically/philosophically/psychologically pressing entered my consciousness. Unfortunately, I don't usually have a computer nearby when those things happen. And I like writing idle thoughts. So.
When I develop that idea about holistic ministry that came to me in church last week, I'll write it here, okay?
Cara
I think I grew up a little bit, almost without noticing. But how could I expect to do so much praying without any returns?
You see, I've been recently rejected hardcore by a very wonderful man. And do you know what? I am competely fine. I believe I actually prayed enough about this, and chose my steps so carefully according to what I truly believed was God's will, that I've ended up quite happy even though he said "no thanks." So praise the Lord for that--a year ago, or even six months ago, I would have been crushed in a very dramatic manner. I would have pouted and cried and lost much sleep and in general been a disastrous mess. But I'm actually happy! I waited so long for his answer (an absurd six weeks and 2 days), praying madly and reading a lot more scripture than usual, and thinking of almost nothing else, and now I feel a fantastic release! Ha, I actually don't have to worry about this anymore! I'm FREE!!!
Wow, what a feeling. I don't have to plan my life around a relationship! I don't have to think, okay, where is he going to go to med school, is there a good grad school for me in the area, blah blah blah. I don't have to WAIT anymore! I'm FREE! And I'm not even too worried that this is an indication that no man will ever be interested in me, which would have been my sustained reaction normally (there was a brief moment... but it passed, hallelujah). Good heavens, have I actually grown from this experience?!?! I'm actually not worried about finding the man I'm going to marry! I finally feel like I'm doing my part--praying, chasing God, loving my family and friends, and God can do whatever the heck he wants with romance in my life. Sure, if He asked for my opinion I'd say throw a guy my way this instant, but what do I know? I clearly was wrong about Awesome Guy, so perhaps it's not my job to decide when I'm ready. I think I'm more ready now than I ever was before, but who knows? Not me!
And in the meantime, I'm looking for a job and trying to figure out how I can rent motorcycles to travel through Baja Mexico, roadtrip through Canada to Alaska, work in a Guatemalan medical clinic, visit my aunt and uncle in California, have nasal surgery, and still pay off my loans. Oh, and biking in Utah.
I wish I only felt the urge to write when something really profound and theologically/philosophically/psychologically pressing entered my consciousness. Unfortunately, I don't usually have a computer nearby when those things happen. And I like writing idle thoughts. So.
When I develop that idea about holistic ministry that came to me in church last week, I'll write it here, okay?
Cara
posted by Cara at
5:58 PM
3 Comments:
Right. And now I'm entering into a more realistic stage of accepting that he really isn't interested, and I'm actually still sad about that. Sure, I didn't expect to be void of all residual feelings, but I was hoping that initial elation would last. It has not.
I rather want a blanket, a bar of chocolate, and a chick flick... I guess some things never change!
By
Cara, at 1:41 PM
but your initial reaction seems to have been a fairly healthy reaction. Well, actually, maybe being elated was too strong of a reaction, but anyway it seems to me that having that reaction and then allowing some sadness to set in is healthy. it need not become profound sadness, but some sadness is always an appropriate reaction to these things, ¿verdad?
By
Display Name, at 10:54 PM
si, verdad. i wish i could completely control my feelings, but i can't. i am, however, learning that the key may lie in how i react to my feelings--in this case, do i sulk or do i pray, seek out positive fellowship, try and do something positive for someone else to take my mind off of myself, etc.?
and i'm still sad. oh well, i thought i knew better than to fall for a student manager, ha ha. i never learn.
By
Cara, at 5:55 PM
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