The Secret of Life, In Three Easy Steps!
That's a big fat lie. I hope you didn't fall for it.
But I have found some peace, and that's a really amazing blessing. It came from somewhere I generally find little rest and comfort: the idea of family.
You see, family as a concept scares me. I'm used to this whole idea falling to pieces and failing me, and so I don't generally want to trust it. But several amazing things have happened which challenge that fear.
First, God keeps comforting me with further healing of old scars from a crappy family history. It seems that the moment I think God has just plain given up on me, and he'll never both answering my prayers, is the moment that he really showers me with unexpected love. Unexpected answers. And it can't be a fake, trick-God-into-doing-what-I-want-by-pretending-to-be-broken type thing. It has to be real.
Secondly, the people in my life are surprising me. For once and for all, the people around me supported my decision to change from a BS in bio to a BA, and add a journalism major. I am so excited! They (particularly Jamie and Elizabeth) were very supportive and reminded me of what an incredible gift for writing God has given me, which has nothing to do with my own merits and can only be used to give glory to God. So I should use it, right? I don't want my writing muscles to atrophy, do I?
Thirdly, I'm seeing so much love everywhere I go. The guys across the hallway cooked an entire amazing Thanksgiving dinner for another apartment and my apartment, and it was such a fantastic night. I felt like I had a real family here! How exciting! These people love each other enough to show it in their actions! I don't deserve any of this, and yet I am included. If only I could stop second-guessing myself. Seriously, its ridiculous! My mind always whispers, are you SURE they want you to come visit them? Are you REALLY SURE they're not just annoyed with you? You'd better just not bother, in case you're wearing out your welcome. So then I don't visit people when I really should just stop thinking about myself and try to be a good listener and bless other people's lives.
So if I don't come visit you or talk to you for a while, its probably because I'm just a coward.
So this is a happy time in my life, even though I have so much work to do I'll probably collapse eventually and have to be carried off to stress rehab or something.
The point is, I love you all. Really a lot. I wish I could tell you how much. I wish I could show you.
But I have found some peace, and that's a really amazing blessing. It came from somewhere I generally find little rest and comfort: the idea of family.
You see, family as a concept scares me. I'm used to this whole idea falling to pieces and failing me, and so I don't generally want to trust it. But several amazing things have happened which challenge that fear.
First, God keeps comforting me with further healing of old scars from a crappy family history. It seems that the moment I think God has just plain given up on me, and he'll never both answering my prayers, is the moment that he really showers me with unexpected love. Unexpected answers. And it can't be a fake, trick-God-into-doing-what-I-want-by-pretending-to-be-broken type thing. It has to be real.
Secondly, the people in my life are surprising me. For once and for all, the people around me supported my decision to change from a BS in bio to a BA, and add a journalism major. I am so excited! They (particularly Jamie and Elizabeth) were very supportive and reminded me of what an incredible gift for writing God has given me, which has nothing to do with my own merits and can only be used to give glory to God. So I should use it, right? I don't want my writing muscles to atrophy, do I?
Thirdly, I'm seeing so much love everywhere I go. The guys across the hallway cooked an entire amazing Thanksgiving dinner for another apartment and my apartment, and it was such a fantastic night. I felt like I had a real family here! How exciting! These people love each other enough to show it in their actions! I don't deserve any of this, and yet I am included. If only I could stop second-guessing myself. Seriously, its ridiculous! My mind always whispers, are you SURE they want you to come visit them? Are you REALLY SURE they're not just annoyed with you? You'd better just not bother, in case you're wearing out your welcome. So then I don't visit people when I really should just stop thinking about myself and try to be a good listener and bless other people's lives.
So if I don't come visit you or talk to you for a while, its probably because I'm just a coward.
So this is a happy time in my life, even though I have so much work to do I'll probably collapse eventually and have to be carried off to stress rehab or something.
The point is, I love you all. Really a lot. I wish I could tell you how much. I wish I could show you.
posted by Cara at
11:35 AM
|
0 comments
