Who says you can't go home?

I believe the most appropriate term would be "basking." I've been basking a lot. Mostly in the sun, although breezes do occasionally get some undivided attention, too. Take this evening, for example:

Dinner on the back porch, sun hanging low in the sky, perfectly content. The dogs are wrestling comically, the salads are delicious. I have to squint a bit to stare at the morning gloried-trellis, the wildflowers, and the vegetable garden, and everything carries a gold-orange tint. Shadows are getting longer. My mom, step-dad and I are laughing about something--probably a bad joke Scot just told (he likes to abuse puns). The temperature is 73 degrees and humidity is at 5%. Cue the basking.

I love being home. I have no qualms about squeezing myself back into high school parental restrictions, like my older sister, and my room doesn't even remind me of my ex-boyfriend anymore. When I saw the mountains out the plane window on Saturday, I teared up. Barnes&Noble is waiting for me, and I can read or write or watch family-favorite movies as much as I want. I can also sleep in, or get up early if I want to.

This morning the dogs jumped on my face and burrowed under the covers of my bed until they all fell off the end at 7:44 a.m., when my sister let them in. Rise and shine, she said. The Santa Fe Trail was waiting.

We biked 16 miles--and I'm talking about Colorado-hilly, not Minnesota-flat--and my legs are still complaining about it. You know you're getting a good workout when ever second word passing through your oxygen-deprived brain is profanity, and you're still enjoying yourself. I thought I was going to puke. It was great.

So right now I'm just enjoying my family, my home, and attempting to do anything besides miss my friends terribly. Biking, jogging, and reading the Bible from cover to cover are my current plans. We'll see.

Relationship Manifesto

Ok, so the whole "take chances, make mistakes" spirit of my previous post has produced only misery and sorrow. Ok, just frustration right now. But I'm looking ahead.

Is there an answer in great literature? Is there an answer in the Bible? ARE there any answers??? One friend tells me, GO OUT THERE AND GET YOURSELF A MAN!!! Mom tells me, I found another guy for you to marry! Another friend says, if you're not in a relationship then something is wrong. What? With me?

What would Elizabeth Bennet do? She would laugh it off. That's what she would do. Yep.
She was under pressure, too! If she had been a weaker, less confident person, she might have settled for Mr. Collins! But she didn't.
Ok, I can't use this anymore. The P&P analogy moves into the male arena and I lose all hope of sanity. I already have a guy in mind who, to all necessary extent, resembles Fitzwilliam Darcy. Uh, helloooo, Cara. Didn't we decide to give up on this guy?!?! MOVE ON.

What would Rosalind do? She would be daring and creative and awesome even dressed up as a man. I mean, how many women can make a guy fall in love with them while they're pretending to be a man pretending to be themselves?!?!?!

What would Lara do? Suffer and die? At least she had passion!

What would Elinor do? What about Marianne? Why didn't Elinor marry Colonel Brandon, huh? They got along so well, and Edward was a wuss. Oh well. That's the way life is sometimes, Mrs. Lair (my high school English teacher) explained. You don't always get to marry the one you truly love.

What would Bridget Jones do? Well, pretty much what I'm doing--eat chocolate, wander around her apartment alone, and obsessively overanalyze everything. AND SHE ENDS UP WITH A DARCY!!! Darn you, Mark/Fitzwilliam Darcy.

Hmmm, I wonder if Ruth was afraid of utter rejection when she went after Boaz. Boaz was really the one who noticed her first, though. She was just working hard and trying to help Naomi... I doubt he would have liked and respected her if she'd been parading around, trying to get his attention. Would I respect myself if my efforts to get male attention were rewarded? Would I trust the reward? Of course not! Favor won can be lost, and I know I would never be able to be Nice, Charming, Graceful, and Perfectly Made-Up every day. Eventually I will be a disappointment. But I do have godly qualities which are part of my character, not part of the mask I wear to try to impress people.

So should I just wait? I thought I just wrote a whole post about how that's not going to cut it anymore! What the heck???

And here is the point in the though process where I realize that I don't have as much faith in God as I think I do. Maybe I say I do, but I am not living my life like I do. I'm not allowing the truth that I know to guide my actions and emotional reactions to everyday situations. This, then, is what I need to work on. I don't need to be more adventurous or confident or charming or whatever. I just need to love God more, know him more, be his child. It's about time I let myself be someone's child.