Ha, irony

It's finals week. I'm probably going to fail/get at least a B on at least one final. I should be cramming. What am I doing, you ask? Why, obviously I'm writing an entry for my blog! What a silly question.

I decided that I'm going to try for a BTS minor, and chat with my mom about the possibility of staying an extra year (hmmmm) to get the major. What is the practical reason for this? Um, there is none. I just really want to take more BTS classes. Really.

Yeah, I know, I know, I said I wouldn't overload myself next year. I think I have a mental condition or something. Is perfectionism a disorder? How about obsessive overworking? If I'm such a perfectionist, why am I blowing off studying for my finals? Hmmm, that's a good question. Maybe I'm a selective perfectionist. Or it comes and goes, like chronic bronchitis. Yeah, that must be it. Right.

This whole BTS thing is making we want to settle for the BA in bio again, instead of cramming in O Chem and physics to finish out the BS. Am I just being lazy? I know what I want to do with my life, and I think I need a BS to do it. Is that true? Dr. Doan thinks so. I don't know. I would very much like to feel relaxed and secure about my grad school chances, but I'm not. Dr. Doan told me (basically) that I don't have a chance if my science GPA is 3.0, which it is. Funny--I have a straight 3.0 in all science classes and a straight 4.0 in all non-science classes. So it evens out to about 3.5, but grad schools are going to see right through that facade. Oh, the pressure. I just try not to think about it.

I got my nose pierced, and I think my mom is going to be rather ticked. My little sister just got her bellybutton pierced and she was SO MAD. But she did that right after mom told her not to, and I just didn't bother to ask. I'm freaking 20 years old, for heaven's sake. But no, no, I'm still financially dependant on her. And plus I should respect her wishes. But maybe she'll think it's cute... I'm hoping, anyway.

Katie graduates this week. Crap, I should get her a gift. And she's getting married (???) this summer, which will be exciting. Love is in the air. Well, ok, not my air. Other people's air. I'm breathing secondhand love.

Well, back to the old anat/phys book. Hurrah.

-Cara

Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?

The year is nearly finished.

I wish I had something profound to write.


Ok, here's a little piece of something... I was just thinking about the essay I'm supposed to be writing about Derek Webb's song "A King and a Kingdom" and how much I like it. And then I found this paper I wrote two years ago and there's a line in it that sounds exactly like that song! It may be arrogant of me, but I like to know that I don't just latch on to other's ideas like a parasite. I can come up with opinions all by myself...

"We have to remember that the community is not the ultimate good. Like sex, food, adventure, romance, and anything else comforting and appealing, community can only claim goodness as long as its existence points us to God. Whatever is not of faith is of sin, as we know from Paul’s letter to the Romans. The Nazis worked devotedly for a supreme race, right? I do not serve the community, I serve the Lord. Of course, my service usually entails serving the community, following right from the second greatest commandment (according to Jesus Christ, rather an authority on the whole thing): "Love your neighbor as yourself." But what trumps loving others? "Love the Lord your God with all your heart." Love is an action, and acting in love for the Lord does not serve the self alone. If I choose to love God through my actions, it truly becomes loving others. One way that I must force myself, faithfully, to love, is through spreading community. How can others decide to make a family or townhouse or city or country a healthy, growing place, if they haven’t ever thought beyond themselves? We should be asking what people think and why they think it, to promote real discussion on real issues. We cannot simply become cynical about “Bethel community” and live day-to-day in survival mode. It's not an option."

But I don't think anymore that we have to delineate loving God and loving others. Aren't the two, put together, a description of living out agape love? They should never be mutually exclusive. Ever. I think. Is that right? Hm.

Sucking my thumb

I've reverted to an infant stage of psychological development and am now sucking my thumb in a fetal position on the floor. Ok, not really. But sometimes I feel like it.

I asked God a few months back to completely destroy my stagnant facade and remake me in drastic ways if that's what is necessary to actually initiate change in my life. And, ha ha, now He is. And it is pretty painful.
I'm realizing many things:

1. I intentionally avoid and ignore people I really love.
2. I'm rarely capable of relating appropriately to anyone of the male gender.
3. I am so self-obsessed it's disgusting.

And the reasons behind these things are quite compelling:

1. I've been conditioned to believe that love is always paired with pain and rejection.
2. Due to a difficult relationship with my father (how many times have you heard THAT one before?!?! This is so common.) I blow the importance of male opinions way out of proportion and am way too concerned with gaining their approval.
3. I try to justify my self-obsession through past experiences, but I can't.

So, what am I going to do about these things? Here are some ideas:

1. Pray. Stop thinking so much about myself. Try to be kinder and more caring.
2. Pray. Stop blowing things out of proportion. Try to be rational instead of emotional.
3. Pray. Stop beating myself up inside. Try to be more humble and praise God for everything He's given me, including friends who love me and whom I should be loving. Also love God more. Know God more.

Man, you would think this would be more simple... Rediscovering one's identity in Christ is not an easy thing! I go over and over the truths of identity in Christ, my self-worth, loving God and loving others unconditionally, but it's harder than it looks to rewrite my subconscious habits. It will be quite worth it, I am sure. I'm hopeful!

Ok, ok, ok. So I went a little too far on the whole "inappropriate openness" scale. I'm still learning! Oh, for heaven's sake.

Love all!