Funny, a black pit of death

Okay, things are not really that bad. That's just sort of how my prof Dr. Dillner described graduating from Bethel. She'd just broken up with a boyfriend of 4 years, and she had no idea what she really wanted to do with her life. She said it was like staring into a pit.

I will not face graduation like that, however. I refuse to. I am excited. I look forward to not having constant homework hanging over my head like an academic sword of Damocles. I can't wait to play summer softball and join a broomball league in the winter! I want to start writing regularly, maybe for a magazine, and start playing the guitar again. I would like to buy a dog, but that's probably not feasible right now. The point is, I refuse to be terrified. Okay, maybe I'm just a little terrified.

Perhaps that's why I'm sticking around here a year longer before PA school. I don't want to lose these peope so quickly, even though most of my top friends are leaving the Cities.... Jamie, Elizabeth, Billy, Celeste. I feel like they're dying.

Does anyone else find this entire situation fundamentally disturbing? I think that this system is ridiculous! We, Young People, are thrown headfirst into a social-LSD-trip-cum-intellectual-pressure cooker, stimulated to grown and change in ways we'd never imagined possible, encouraged to build thrilling friendships and relationships with people we come to adore, and then BAM. You're out on your proverbial ass, and welcome to the real world. Your happy little group of friends traveling down this highway of life gets roadside-mined. Everyone gets married and goes to the same therapist for their depression issues stemming from extreme separation from their social network (this I heard from several of my friends) or moves to another country or goes on to med or grad school and begins the entire process all over again, and does anyone stop to think, wait, this isn't right???

I don't want my friends to leave! I have never had friends like these before! Never! I understand that many many people do it, but I don't have to be happy about it. I am going to miss these people very, very much. A very unique part of my life is actually ending, and there's real justification for sadness. But I can still look forward to the future, so I intend to meet May 25th with head held high and a big stupid grin on my college-grad face.

Ah, but will I have a job? Hmmmmm.

-Cara

Application: DENIED!

"We might fall, we might fall, we might fall. Now that we are older, I remember you, now that we are close to death, close to finding truth." Ryan Star

I think I grew up a little bit, almost without noticing. But how could I expect to do so much praying without any returns?

You see, I've been recently rejected hardcore by a very wonderful man. And do you know what? I am competely fine. I believe I actually prayed enough about this, and chose my steps so carefully according to what I truly believed was God's will, that I've ended up quite happy even though he said "no thanks." So praise the Lord for that--a year ago, or even six months ago, I would have been crushed in a very dramatic manner. I would have pouted and cried and lost much sleep and in general been a disastrous mess. But I'm actually happy! I waited so long for his answer (an absurd six weeks and 2 days), praying madly and reading a lot more scripture than usual, and thinking of almost nothing else, and now I feel a fantastic release! Ha, I actually don't have to worry about this anymore! I'm FREE!!!

Wow, what a feeling. I don't have to plan my life around a relationship! I don't have to think, okay, where is he going to go to med school, is there a good grad school for me in the area, blah blah blah. I don't have to WAIT anymore! I'm FREE! And I'm not even too worried that this is an indication that no man will ever be interested in me, which would have been my sustained reaction normally (there was a brief moment... but it passed, hallelujah). Good heavens, have I actually grown from this experience?!?! I'm actually not worried about finding the man I'm going to marry! I finally feel like I'm doing my part--praying, chasing God, loving my family and friends, and God can do whatever the heck he wants with romance in my life. Sure, if He asked for my opinion I'd say throw a guy my way this instant, but what do I know? I clearly was wrong about Awesome Guy, so perhaps it's not my job to decide when I'm ready. I think I'm more ready now than I ever was before, but who knows? Not me!

And in the meantime, I'm looking for a job and trying to figure out how I can rent motorcycles to travel through Baja Mexico, roadtrip through Canada to Alaska, work in a Guatemalan medical clinic, visit my aunt and uncle in California, have nasal surgery, and still pay off my loans. Oh, and biking in Utah.

I wish I only felt the urge to write when something really profound and theologically/philosophically/psychologically pressing entered my consciousness. Unfortunately, I don't usually have a computer nearby when those things happen. And I like writing idle thoughts. So.

When I develop that idea about holistic ministry that came to me in church last week, I'll write it here, okay?

Cara