Emory, O Emory

So the future, huh.

Well, I realized something: I really really really WANT to contribute to global community health, and its not just that I feel a responsibility to save the world. I do, of course, but I also want to do it. I think that's important, although I still don't believe all that "God's goal is to make us happy so if we do what makes us happy its what God wants" nonsense. God's goal is to make us happy? What? Right, so when I have children I'm going to let them do everything they want, including eating tubs of Crisco 24/7, skateboarding off a cliff, getting their eyelids pierced by a guy with a rusty icepick, and giving birth at age 12, just because it makes them happy, eh? Yeah right. If we just do what makes us happy, without any guiding influences which might make us petulantly unhappy sometimes, we will screw ourselves over. WE CANNOT TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. I don't know why anyone thinks that they can.

So anyway... it's still important that we don't force ourselves to be miserable just because we think it will make God happy. I do not believe it is God's goal to make us miserable, nor to make us happy. It is his goal to bring himself glory, and a closwer relationship between him and us does that. So he wants to draw us closer to him and that means sometimes things suck.
But that doesn't mean he hates us, nor does it mean we should just think of ourselves and our happiness primarily. Man, how people overreact to everything.

ANYWAY. back to my point: Emory University in Atlanta, GA! This place is like Oz for me right now... I'm trying to follow the yellow brick road and figure out how to get there. It is so exciting: here is the blurb about the MPH Global Health degree program:

The Department of Global Health seeks to understand and reduce global inequities in health and well-being. Inquiry-driven and ethically engaged, we seek to improve health status and delivery systems around the world through teaching, multidisciplinary research, program design and evaluation, service, and inspiring public-private and civic sector engagement in social action.

And the Community Health and Development concentration...

The Community Health and Development concentration prepares professionals who will work in local settings with grass roots organizations, private voluntary groups, governmental agencies, and other sector providers to design, implement, manage, and evaluate community-based public health initiatives. Emphasis will be given to the development of public health skills, the acquisition of knowledge about working within local communities in different cultural settings and development contexts, and promoting behavior change for healthier communities.

ISN'T THAT SO COOL? It just makes me all excited in my stomach. But mainly if I can work out in the field, though... I don't think I want to be stuck in a lab all my life. Only maybe part of my life. I want to be outside, fording rivers and climbing cliffs and dealing with new cultures and probably getting amoebic dysentery a few more times. It wasn't that bad the first time... heh heh.

So yeah. I am NOT taking the coeval editor job (especially since it would put me on track to be head editor next year, and I can't handle both that and, if everything goes right, being editor-in-chief of the Clarion). I don't think I'm going to the journalism conference in January, because while I love journalism, I can't be spending all of that money on something that I'm doing just for fun.

I managed to find a mentor for the research proposal that I'm sending in to the summer undergrad research experience (SURE) program at Emory for this summer. He seems really smart and nice, and I hope I get into the program so I can work with him. And then Emory will like me and let me in even though I don't have any health care experience. Right? But will the Peace Corps like me? Yikes, stop worrying! Man, I need to go think about something else.

Ooh, started reading The Quiet American by Graham Greene. I like The Power and the Glory, and this is such an easy read. Good book. It makes me, for some reason, want to read more Potok. Hmmm. Gotta go.

Songs in my head

Could you let down your hair
Be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if your human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
Let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't gonna pretend like I do
Just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe that I fully understand all these things I read

I'm just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
Even if it takes my whole life
To get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you

I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
-Lifehouse

let the wind fall wild across my path
even though we barely move, there's no turning back
there is a river; there is a road
place of holy riches untold
it's where i'm s'posed to be
where i'm s'posed to be
my heavenly

i know it never feels right
to let go of the safety we're used to holding so tight
but there is a lion underneath these skies
though love cries (though love cries)
though love cries
love will rise
my, my, my heavenly

so fly me higher, higher
hope fill me, keep me here
love lion
my, my...

so when i'm lonely or when i'm old
life is more behind me, all the stories have been told
i can fix my gaze up through the clouds
where i'm gonna be
where i'm gonna be
my heavenly
my, my heavenly
my heavenly
-Jars of Clay

Music is... oh gosh, just go read Wes' blog. He knows what music is.

I've been overcome with peace about my future. We were listening to a tape by some guy whose name I can't remember in ther car on the way back to the Springs from Grand Junction/Glenwood Springs (gorgeous drive: mountains, mountains, mountains. That word doesn't do the world justice.) and I was prompted to really ask myself, do I actually believe that God is perfect and good? Well, do I? And do I believe that my life is in his hands? And do I really truly in the depths of my doubting heart believe that all things work for the good of those who love him? HUH? Well, I decided, yes. Of course I do. So even if I waver back and forth, I must choose to live my life according to the beliefs which I have adopted. So NO MORE WORRYING. Right? Right.

So it's not my job to save the world. I feel I need to, you know, because it is definitely in need of saving. But that's ridiculous: one little measly human can't shoulder all the guilt of a failure like that! And I most assuredly would fail. So I will just stay on this course, keep on marching forward, onward-Christian-soldier etc. etc. etc.

See? See? I'm not that insane!!!

Oh, sweet sweet winter!

Chocolates are always beside my bed when I go home. The house is all decorated with dozens upon dozens of fun Santa and snowman-themed trinkets which my mother absolutely adores. I can make coffee whenever I want. Oh, it's good to be home.

Home is a good place to reflect on your life so far: your current relationships, the rekindling of old friendships, and the state of your life.

Current relationships:
Well, I think I've resolved my issues with my father. This is good news, and at least 15 years coming. Not that I've given up... its just that I will allow the relationship to be as it is.
Due to my darling Elizabeth being in the Phillipines for the next month and a half, I am realizing that I love her dearly and miss her really bad. Oh, E-slice. I hope you're having fun!
My mom is one of the coolest people ever. She is so much fun. A lot like me, too (trips on flat ground, forgets to do simple everyday things, neurotic, etc.).
I love my sisters. Love them love them love them! Even if they are crazy.
Finally, Scot (my stepdad) is awesome. Amazing man of God.

Rekindling old friendships:
I am so bad with this one. When the phone rings, I look at the caller ID and think, oh no, what could go wrong with this conversation? I'm so bad over the phone... what if I say something stupid or boring and this person realizes, oh, that's right, I don't actually like her at all. WHAT IF I AM THE MOST BORING AND AWKWARD PERSON EVER CREATED? I would rather go read a book. But yesterday, after much scolding from my reasonable mother, I called several friends. It wasn't bad. Ah, delicious victory.

The state of my life:
Ha ha ha. Do I even need to go into this one?
I need to read the Bible more. I don't care what anyone says; this is the source of truth for me. Why don't I read it more? WHY?
I want to finish my book by the end of January. That's going to be really hard, but why not try? Crazier things have happened.
I'm actually really okay with the state of my romantic life, too. My friendships with guys are so satisfying and I'm being constantly reminded that God's going to take care of me no matter what. Good news, eh? My mom says I need to marry a Hoss Cartwright type, like from the old tv show Bonanza. I have no idea who that guy is, but she says he was gentle. Gentle? Is that the key? Gentle, kind, compassionate, sounds good to me.

So, in short, I am going to go empty the dishawasher for my mom. Seasons greetings!

Heh heh.

Yeah, I need to go study. So clearly my first instinct is to post something here.

I am trying to come up with Ten Ways to Stay Sane. Here is the list so far:

1. Sing along to cell phone rings.
2. Memorize verses from Ecclesiastes. Meaningless! Ha ha. So good.
3. Find someone who will listen to you no matter what.
4. Do not have a crush on any boys. (Oooh, that reminds me, I need to go stalkernet someone.)
5. Eat at least one piece of chocolate per day.
6. Go outside and breathe real air.

I will come up with more later. Right now I need to go outside and eat some chocolate. :)

PRODUCTIVITY. IS. MY. MIDDLE. NAME.

So for all of you "we live in the real world" people, here's a flashback to the days when you were in school: it's FINALS WEEK! That's right, also known as Misery Week, this week comes round about twice a year, and it seems to last about an entire year if you want it to pass quickly, and it passes in a flash if you need the time to study. Irony = life.

Here are the ridiculous things that have happened to me (notice the subtle passing of blame to circumstances? Don't be fooled. Most of it is my fault):

1. Thought I was going to be fired from my editing job.
2. Shamed newspaper in front of entire school; President Brushy and the deans are "shocked, appalled, and ashamed" of me.
3. Realized my car was towed after 7 parking tickets.
4. Scraped another car driving out of the impound lot.
5. Failed an organic chemistry test.
6. Forgot to do TA work twice... also going to be fired.
7. Haven't done 2 essays I need to definitely do.
8. Got v. little sleep.
9. Embarrassed self in front of nice, attractive guy. Then again, this happens pretty much daily so is not that great of a shock.
10. Ate my weight in solid sticks of butter. Not really. But it feels like it.
11. Lost $100 cash meant to pay my car's way out of the impound lot.
12. Clawed my way through a Christmas Banquet seating registration nightmare.
13. Nearly died on icy roads @ 2am this morning.
14. Directly due to no. 10, probably will not fit into dress for banquet. That's okay, I don't have a date anyway. I can go in my pajamas and have way more fun. So there.

Overall I am in a good mood. What, you're surprised? I felt really terrible about the whole newspaper thing, but hey. What's life without a few mindnumbingly stupid mistakes? I think my stress level went beyond comprehension on Monday night, and I just sort of snapped. Now everything is fine. Nothing can bother me now, not even that glorious 25% F-- I just racked in on my o-chem test this morning.

Why am I in such a good mood? Could it be due to the reality check I received from a slightly amused God yesterday? Perhaps. I just imagined myself with my husband, watching my kids play, and I realized that its actually ok if I don't get an A or even a B in o-chem. Seriously. Are my romantic interests going to ask for a copy of my transcript before they go out with me? No! So on the whole I-want-to-have-children-one-day front, I'm probably going to be fine. Now, as far as the getting-into-grad-school issue, that remains to be seen. But oh well. God has done crazier things than getting me into grad school, so if he wants me there then that's where I'm going! I really desire to go to grad school. So we'll see. I wouldn't mind working for a while, either.

So overall, finals week isn't going TOO badly. I mean, this is probably the worst I've ever had it... and I'm not actually insane yet, so that's very good news. How am I going to be able to handle a crisis situation in the public health field if I can't even handle my own life? Heh. This is kid's stuff. Bring on the ebola! Actually, AIDS. Or maybe cancer. I haven't decided yet. Influenza? Oh, there's so much to be done... Immunology is the coolest area of study ever.