Love of a Jealous Kind (and then a public health soliloquoy)

I've got this song in my head, off of the Jars of Clay "Who We Are Instead" album.

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more,
one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise,
betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind



Good song. I am so unfaithful.
I saw Shane Claiborn speak in chapel today. How can you not cry and laugh at the same time when you see all of his energy and love and sincerity and hear his convicting stories? I always wanted to be a revolutionary.

But this is what I figure: I am making a certain sacrifice (working hard, studying my butt off, going the extra mile, whatever) so that in the future I will be better qualified, experienced, and equipped to contribute to this world in an essential way. So I'm not just going to run off and move to a foreign country tomorrow. Which I could and would do, in a heartbeat, if I followed my impulses and selfish desires.
But instead I'm a bio major and I'm going to move and shake the world of public health. People always gave me a weird look in high school when they asked what I was interested in, and I answered, "Oh, infectious diseases, epidemiology, that kind of thing."
But think of the needless suffering... think of the problems just begging to be solved by anyone, anyone who will take the time. I really do care about biology. And international relations. And journalism. And history. And music. But I picked the one to which I really thought I could contribute... and honestly, I picked the hardest one for me, too. Sometimes I wish I could just give up and be a writing major and nothing more. But that just never seems to happen.
And if God wants me somewhere else, then I'll go there instead. I can love whatever he wants me to love. I will do whatever he wants me to do.

Ha, so easily typed... so hard to live out.

I am way too busy

Organic chem is eating me alive, and immunology requires a ton of time. On top of that, my TA job is way too annoying and time-consuming to be worth it.

On a happier note, someone I love and appreciate called me last night right after I'd gone to bed (lying awake, mulling over this horrible evening I'd just had) and made me come over so he could talk to me and make me feel better. It was awesome. Exactly what I needed. Thanks, God.

Also, I ran into this guy who is funny and interesting but not really my type, and we had a fantastic conversation. I love fantastic conversations! Why am I bothering with school, when I could just hang out with my friends forever? Oh, yeah, that's right. Because I have to actually take responsibility for my own life! Wait a second... shouldn't welfare take care of that?

Am going to apply for an AP internship. If I get it, it will determine the course of the rest of my life (I will probably become a journalist instead of an epidemiologist). Yikes. I don't know if I want it or not, but I know I should apply and give the decision up to God. Why is he giving me an editor's desk and a biology research project at the same time? Why can't he make it easy and only open doors in one direction??? WHY?

Perhaps I actually do have to make the decision myself. If so, then I still don't know what to do. I think my decision is a polite request that God make the decision for me. How am I supposed to know how I will be more effective in this world? Shouldn't he know better than I? He certainly can see and analyze more variables than I can. Doctor... journalist... doctor... journalist... I love both.

In the meantime, I am doing my very best not to fall for any of the guys around me. They're all so frickin' awesome, in different ways. I must not be distracted!

So now I have a blog

Hello, world. I have a blog.
This is probably bad news, because I have a tendency to keep talking if there is no one to interrupt me (as evidenced by my horrid phone messages) and an equal tendency to keep writing if no one distracts me.
This is probably how novels get written- I wouldn't know. My life is too distracting.

All I can say right now is:

Is there someone in your life who can make you feel completely and utterly inadequate, ridiculous, ugly, stupid, and worthless all at the same time? Well, I just spent an evening with my antagonist. I feel like crap.

That's all for now.